violinistgirl

am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am 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am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am am 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bu kaltakla aynı mahallede büyüdük. mevlanakapı'da. babası zabıtaydı. alkolik hasta bi adamdı rahmetli, erkenden de gitti zaten. bu anasıyla yoksul, perişan... bizim tuzumuz kuruydu, hacı babam yapmış bi şeyler. bi de zagor vardı. bizim eski evin kiracısının oğlu. babası filimciydi yeşilçamda. cepçilik, arpacılık, her yol vardı itte. ama sevimli, yakışıklı oğlandı. bizimkine aşık etmiş kendini. ben efendi oğlanım, okul mokul takılıyorum o zamanlar. öylece büyüdük gittik işte. ne tak varsa hep askerliği beklerdim. dört sene kaldı, üç sene kaldı... sonunda o da geldi gittik. bizde de herkes bunu bekliyormuş; gelir gelmez yapıştılar yakama. ev düzüldü, kız bulundu, çeyiz falan filan... nikahlandık. iki taksi bi dükkan verdi peder... dükkanda koltuk moltuk satardım. bi gün bu huur çıkageldi. hiç unutmam, görür görmez cız etti içim. böyle basma bi etek dizine kadar, çorap yok, üstünde açık bi bluz, saçlar maçlar... pırlanta anlıyacağın. şunun bunun fiyatını sordu, dalga geçti benimle. kanıma girdi o gün. tabii taktım ben bunu kafaya. ertesi gün bi soruşturma... dediklerine göre yemeyen kalmamış mahallede. ama asıl zagora kegibmiş. zagorda kaftiden içerde o sıra. bi gün, süslenmiş püslenmiş; zırt geçti dükkanın önünden. yazıldım peşine. tuhafiyeciye gitti, pastaneden çıktı; minibüs otobüs, geldik sağmalcılar'a benim içimde bi sıkıntı... işi anladım tabii: zagoru ziyarete gidiyo. bi tuhaf oldum, bini de kıskandım. uzatmayalım çaresiz evlendik ötekiyle. o ara zagor içerden çıktı. sonra bi duyduk; kaçmış bunlar. altı ay mı bi sene mi; kayıp. hep rüyalarıma girerdi huur. o gün dükkana gelişini hiç unutamadım. benimkine bile dokunamaz oldum. sonra bi daha duyduk ki iki kişiyi deşmiş zagor: biri polis, ikisinin de gırtlağını kesmiş. karakolda beş gün beş gece işkence buna. arkadaşlarının öcünü alıyorlar. kaltağa da öyle... önce öldü dediler zagor'a, sonra komalık. ankara'da oluyor bunlar. bizimki bi gün çıkageldi mahalleye. zagor içerde, en iyisinden müebbet. bi sabah dükkana geldim, baktım bu oturuyo. önce tanıyamadım. anlayınca içim cız etti. cız etti de ne? tornavida yemiş gibi oldu. çökmüş, zayıflamış, bembeyaz bi surat... ama bu sefer başka güzel huur. orhanın şarkıları gibi. kalktı böyle, dimdik konuşmaya başladı. dedi para lazım, çok para. zagor'a avukat tutacakmış. ilerde öderim dedi. esnafız ya biz de, "nasıl?" diye sormuş bulunduk. huurluk yaparım dedi, istersen metresin olurum. içime bişey oturdu ağlamaya başladım, ama ne ağlamak! işte o gün bi inandım huuryla tam yirmi yıl geçti. uzatmayalım, zagor'a müebbet verdiler. ama rahat durmaz ki bin! ha birini şişledi, ha firara teşebbüs; o şehir senin bu şehir benim, cezaevlerini gezip duruyo. huur da peşinden. sonunda dayanamadım: ben de onun peşinden... önce dükkan gitti, ardından taksiler. karı terk etti, peder kapıları kapadı. yunus gibi aşk uğruna düştük yollara. iş bilmem, zanaat yok. bu tınmıyo hiç. ilk yıllar ufak kahpeliklere başladı, sonra alıştı. gözünü yumup yatıyo milletin altına.gel dönelim diye çok yalvardım. evlenelim, pederi kandırırım, zagor'a bakarız: yok. kancık köpek gibi izini sürüyo itin. ne yaptı buna anlamadım. kaç defa dönüp gittim istanbul'a. yeminler ettim. doktorlar, hocalar kar etmedi. her seferinde yine peşinde buldum kendimi.bi keresinde döndüm, biriyle evlenmiş bu, hamile... beni abisiyim diye yutturduk herife. nedense rahatladım, oh dedim, kurtuluyorum. bu da akıllanmış görünüyo. yüzü gözü düzelmiş, çocuk diyo başka bişey demiyo. sinop'ta oluyo bunlar. ben de döndüm istanbul'a. doğumuna yakın, zagor bi isyana karışıyor gene. hemen paketleyip diyarbakır cezaevine postalıyorlar. çok geçmeden bizimki depreşiyo gene; o halinle kalk git sen diyarbakır'a, üç gün ortadan kaybol... herif kafayı yiyo tabii. dönünce bi dayak buna: eşşek sudan gelinceye kadar. kızın sakatlığı bu yüzden. sonra çocuğu doğuruyo. durum hemen anlaşılmamış. ortaya çıkınca bi gece esrarı çekip takıyo herife bıçağı. çocuğu da alıp vın diyarbakır'a, zagor'un peşine. allahtan herif delikanlı çıkıyo da şikayet etmiyo. ben o ara istanbul'da taksiden yolumu buluyorum. epey bi zaman böyle geçti. yine her gece rüyalarımda bu. zagor'un diyarbakır cezaevinde olduğunu duymuştum o sıralar. bi gece bi büyükle eve geldim. hepsini içtim. zurnayım tabi. bi ara gözümü açıp baktım: karlı dağlar geçiyo. bi daa açtım, başımda bi çocuk, kalk abi, diyarbakır'a geldik diyo. baktım, sahiden diyarbakır'dayım. bi soruşturma... kale mahallesi vardır oranın, bi gecekonduda buldum, malımı bilmez miyim? görünce hiç şaşırmadı. hiç bişey demedik. o gece oturup düşündüm. oğlum bekir dedim kendi kendime, yolu yok çekeceksin. isyan etmenin faydası yok, kaderin böyle, yol belli, eğ başını, usul usul yürü şimdi. o gün bugün usul usul yürüyorum işte.