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The following piece of writing is meant to show firsthand what it is to be/become a human subject, existing and emerging in the world. It is the exact opposite from being an object, namely a static, fixed, designed, defined, built, structured (Sartre, 1943, 1947, 1952). It is a very complex, very insecure, very powerful, very confusing, very irrational, undefined thing, full of constantly changing states of being, states of mind, different selves, states of consciousness, identities, emotions, feelings, passions, severe crises and dilemmas. It is a bursting, burning, fiery lava full of paradoxes and self contradictions gushing and moving down extremely rapidly. It is an attempt to figure this out, to make sense, to understand what is going on, to define, to reconstruct the self to the best of one’s ability. There is no order, reason, determinism, logic, rationalism. Most of all it is a will to better the self and to achieve a bit of peace of mind and a little more stability and security, cooling oneself up a little bit. It is an optimistic hope for the future, a better one, despite everything. Being, becoming, emerging in spite of oneself, the world (inner and external) the human condition (Malraux) and the absurd.
The process is a very tiresome, tedious, satiating, ungrateful, anguishing one that consumes the entire self in order to create and construct and reconstruct the self. Yet because it takes and deprives so much and is so very difficult is a most fulfilling one. Those are my perceptions, my views, my accounts, my reflections. I feel a need to shout my humanity to the world at the top of my voice ‘I am here. This is me. This is who I am. The following is the result of self awareness, reflections, consciousness of consciousness, introspection, self therapeutic analysis, self observing and observance, coupled with the observing of others, asking them, being interested and very curious in them and their existence/being in the world, immersing myself in them, spending more than three decades reading and listening to their accounts’.
I want the reader to share those experiences, conceptions and perceptions with me. I want to make them public, for the reader to be aware of them. He can be moved, relate, engage, reflect, contemplate, feel nothing at all, remain indifferent think it is wellworn, think it is a complete nonsense, feel an inability to relate and engage, accuse me for asking the wrong question, having the wrong preoccupations. Read if you wish and think and reflect if you wish, or toss it away if you desire.
I and You (Thou) and Us
Two different worlds. Two different lives. Each human existence, being in the world, is a whole world in a universe of humanity. They are parallels. They are independent, distinguished, distinct, unique, personal, dynamic, irrational, subjective and incomprehensive.
I am the human subject. I am and I try to reflect, dereflect (Viktor Frankl) and figure myself out and to see what is going on. I am confused, lost. What is it? Where am I going in my quest for peace of mind, happiness, more meaningful/authentic existence. You, the other, social other as some will call you, who could do no more than act as a heuristic, to try to support and be there for me as an aid in my journey, suddenly have taken life and adopted a role that you should not have, that is not merely an illusion but also silences me and destroys me.
I live. I am. This is the only thing that there is. I want to be. I want to be happy. I want to have the most meaningful, fulfilled life existence/being in the world to which I was thrown.
Universe called humanity is the we, the us. We are essentially alone in our existence. We were thrown into existence alone and alone we will be taken away from it. We have our own individualistic and personal quests, searches, struggles and journeys that belong to the I, that are unique to us and each one of us. Human existence for us is very tough, complex, complicated and extremely hard. It was imposed on all of us, who are the living, the existing. It is not for the fainthearted, the weak, the pessimists, the nihilists. It is for the fighters, the strong, the optimists who are willing to struggle and fight with all our might against all chances, against all odds, refusing to give up hope and passion.
We must fight, struggle. We have no choice. We have to be fully committed to our existence, to being in the world. We are obliged to it, for utter engagement with it. Our energies, our resources must be fully committed to it. We have to invest all our energies and resources to it. You, show me you are fully committed/engaging with your world, your existence. We cannot afford ‘philanthropy’, dedicating and losing our valuable resources at the expense of our emergence, our journey for the sake of another’s existence. Let me be. Immerse in your own business, of emerging, becoming, be and being.
It is cheap pedagogy, preaching, mumbling, making noise that means nothing, to devote your own valuable resources to my own quest, search and journey. You deny yourself. You make me feel bad, ill-conscious, bad-faith, for doing so. It is your choice I know. But you involve me. It seems to me like you are using me for an escape, an admission that your existence and the quest for a self are too difficult for you, like the choice to do nothing and not to choose. Not only that you will be deprived from your own potential for authenticity but by doing so you will be depriving me from the possibility of establishing meaning and authenticity. How can I be authentic, realising that my will and my journey for authenticity was accompanied and led/driven by someone giving in, losing faith, who becomes weak and deprives himself from authenticity (or the will to have meaningful/authentic existence)?
You have to do your best. Show me how you fully immerse and engage with your self, your existence, your being in the world. Show me you are a tough, strong, pitiless (self-pity that is) killer. You will empower me by doing so. You will give me hope, showing me it is feasible. I want you to succeed in your journey, in your quests. Not only it makes me feel happy but it reflects and dereflects upon my own journey. If you can do so then I can do it. There is no justification for an inability to go on struggling for a better more meaningful existence, for the quest for authenticity. The only thing we can share is our will for authenticity, better existence in the world, self improvement and more peace of mind. We share the will, the quest, the journey, the will to become and be. We understand that but not the actual manner of doing so. The way we lead our lives is wholly individualistic, unique and personal, catered and tailored for us at any specific given point in our existence/journey in the world.
And it is not feasible, an illusion for you to attempt to engage directly with my existence, my world. You have tried to define me, myself and my existence, to explain, to analyse, to figure me out from your own world/ existence in the world. You had a big ego. You have no resources, no energy, no time, no patience for me for you need to immerse and completely engage in your world. You have obligation to do so as part of being launched into the world and take upon yourself the mission (project, Sartre) that is called living, being and life. You are not capable to enter my world completely for you will need to leave yourself completely and your own world and be me. You are really indifferent to me and my existence. You should be. I understand this.
I have the greatest respect for you when you admit and tell me with great embarrassment that you fail to understand me. You really wish to do so. There is nothing you wish to do more than this for it will save so much pain and suffering from your own existence by observing and learning from mine. But you cannot.
You have your own life, existence and your own agenda and objectives for your own existence in the world and you cannot fully comprehend mine. You have been so devoted to this goal, objective of striving to understand, theorise and explain me that you forgot me, you ignored me. This is not your game, not your role. You can merely know from what I communicate and transmit to you. I could try to do so, with a very limited degree of success if at all feasible, and you could and perhaps should help me figure myself out as heuristic, an outsider, in a reciprocal, unselfish, act where I share my world with you and you share your world with me.
I need to tell you, communicate to you. You cannot fully comprehend for you are not me. You have and can merely take my word for it. If I tell you that I am a chicken then I am a chicken. If one person tells another that he is Napoleon then he is Napoleon (Laing, 1959). Maybe some of the people tied up to the beds in Shalvata and Kfar Shaul (mental institutions in Israel) very confused and claiming they are the messiah are, in fact, the messiah. You are an outsider, an external, an observer, a human subject/being, living and existing. This is your strength. You can give me an external perspective, a caring, compassionate, passionate, humane and human one. You want to help me. I understand this and I am sincerely grateful. But you must realize and understand that you are not me, not myself.
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